Solving E-Mail Overload, The Easy Way

Many of my little Internet friends keep whining writing eloquent blog posts about how much email they get, how difficult it is to respond to it all, and how their time could be better used spending time with their families or collecting thimbles of the world.  While I don’t want to sound unsympathetic (I am unsympathetic, I just don’t want to sound that way) I’ve often volunteered to take over their inboxes for a few days to help out.

While I haven’t gotten any takers yet, I’m ready and willing to work my magic on your email flood and can guarantee to have it slowed to a trickle in less than one week.  This will give you lots of time to talk to your accountant about the sudden drop-off in business, your therapist about why your wife no longer speaks to you, and your lawyer about the sudden increase in papers being served.

Here are a few samples of the mail I can provide.

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Dear Customer…

I’m pleased that you’ve received our Book, DVD, Phone Recordings and Polaroid Photos as described in our snazzy sales letter filled with testimonials.  While I’m disappointed that you haven’t yet lost weight, found a girlfriend or cured that nasty infection — it’s important that you remember the three-point type that warned results are not typical.

You may have interpreted this to mean that the guy who lost 150 pounds was not typical, and you might only lose 100 pounds.  Actually, as we admitted, any kind of results are not typical.  So your annoying complaints and lawsuits are baseless and unfounded.  And a big fat girlfriend-less infected tub-of-lard like yourself isn’t someone a jury is going to be very sympathetic to — which is why we chose you as our key demographic.

So man up, kiss your $575 good bye, and consider joining our on-line support group:  People Who Fell For Worthless Scams.  It’s only $24/month, constantly re-billing, with no way on earth to stop it.

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Dear Mom…

Yeah, I understand that you’d like to see the grand-kids.  So would I.  But putting them into a daycare was really expensive, so we sent them off to “Camp Lettuce” in Arizona.  They get lots of fresh air, sunshine, and are even learning to speak Spanish enough to get their little green cards.  Once the growing season is over, they’ll be on the bus to Idaho — digging out spuds for twelve hours a day will teach them the value of hard work, and build socialization skills they’ll need when they reach Kindergarten.

Molly and I have converted the guest room to a home office, so unfortunately there’s no place here for you to stay if you come for Christmas.  I’ve taken the liberty of making a reservation at the Howard Johnson’s just south of downtown.  They have special rates for anyone who wants to stay for an entire day, rather than just an hour or two — and you’ll really enjoy the Continental Breakfast.  It’s only pancakes, but Bruno from the front desk actually makes them in the shape of different continents.  You get a free night if you can eat Australia!

Our best to you and Dad.  We’re still disappointed that he didn’t like the snake tattoo he got on the last visit, but if you’re going to be passing out in a diabetic coma around here we can’t be responsible for what might happen.

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Dear Affiliate Partner,

I’m sure you’re wondering why I haven’t been answering emails lately.  I’d like to tell you that I’ve been sick, the kids have kept us busy, and our new product introduction is taking up all our time.  I’d really like to tell you that. But it just wouldn’t be true.

Fact is, the whole thing was a scam.  There really was no 100MPG Carburetor, I never did Beat Cancer By Rumba Dancing, and it just isn’t possible to Make Google Your Bitch By Starting All Your Posts With The Letter “A”.  The whole thing was a Justice Department scam, sponsored by Eric Holder so that we’d have some use for the cells at Guantanamo Bay once the terrorists are moved out.

Your name and contact information has been forwarded to the local Sheriff’s department, and within a matter of days they’ll be on your doorstep to pick you up with a free ticket to the tropics that I offered to my most successful affiliate marketer.  On the plus side, it turns out you’re all winners.  On the minus side, they don’t have the funds to drain and refill the water-boarding tank so it’s really pretty gross.  Bring antibiotics if you’ve got them.

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So there you have it — just click here to sign up — I’ll need your account login, password, bank account number and blood type.  And soon email overload will be a thing of the past.