It’s A Shame To Waste A Good Solution — Let’s Fix Education, Too!

With all this talk about fixing healthcare, I’m convinced that if we’ve got a good solution it’s a shame to waste it on just one problem.  So I propose that we take the ideas and apply them to fixing education as well.  Here’s my plan:

REQUIRE EVERYONE TO BE EDUCATED
Many people have chosen not to participate in education, or (if they participate) not to succeed.  Education is a responsibility, not a right — so I propose that we levy a fine of $2500 per year on everyone who doesn’t graduate from High School.  Doesn’t matter what their reasons are, the government knows best.  We don’t want these uneducated people turning up at the Reference Desks of our Public Libraries when they need information, do we?

GREEDY HIGHER EDUCATION COMPANIES
I propose that we immediately limit the salary of tenured faculty at Harvard, MIT and Yale to no more than $50,000 per year.  The knowledge they are imparting can be found in any textbook, and (in most cases) the students aren’t really learning it anyway.  Tests with “placebo knowledge” at the University Of Phoenix Online have shown that an advanced degree of any kind is pretty much accepted nowadays.  And don’t get me started on those greedy TextBook monopolists — just rearranging common words in the English language and then selling the results for cash!

OFFERING A PUBLIC OPTION
Yes, private education works well — the Catholics have been doing it for years, along with many others.  But I think we need to have a government-run option for education, because it would work better and cost less.  (What’s that?  We’ve tried it already?  And it sucks?)  Well, maybe we should appoint a panel of people who’ve never taught to come up with an answer, then.

LEARNING DEATH PANELS
At some point, we need to face the painful truth that there are learners who are unable to learn anything more.  We keep lecturing them over, and over, and over — but they just don’t get it.  Our PowerPoint slides get more and more detailed, our e-learning has larger and larger “next” buttons, and our ropes courses are hung from the largest trees we can find.  I propose that anyone in the “bottom 25%” of an assessment (like Einstein, Lincoln, and Edison) should be barred from any further access to learning so the resources can be better used on making more lectures.

INCREASED MONEY FOR EDUCATION
Right now, there are some states that don’t even spend 50% of their budget on education!  Hard to believe, isn’t it?  So I propose an immediate Federal Mandate that all states raise the total percentage of their budget to 200%, which would mean a big increase in money for schools.  (At least I think it would.  I didn’t do too well in math.)  If that doesn’t work, we’ll increase it to 400%.

EXCLUSIONS FOR PRE-EXISTING LEARNING
We’ve simply got to find a way to help people who’ve already learned something (like brain surgery or jet piloting) at home, and don’t want to take the time to attend school.  I propose that if you can correctly spell three of the terms used in the discipline, and can point to a picture of the uniform that you would wear — we give you a “trial” certification to go ahead and give it a shot.  Much like in our government, it isn’t really important if you’ve actually DONE something before we put you in charge of it, right?

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If you agree with my plan, just go to the site below to sign on to my petition and we’ll get started:

www.CantTellThisIsAParody.com